This may be the most disheartening title to any of my pieces of writing, but I’m going to push forward. The aforementioned title is a caked in irony in that I’ve been pretty damn good at getting laid throughout most of my adult life. Being tall, somewhat good looking, and living an adventurous rock n roll lifestyle probably contributed to this state of success, but I think that’s only the tip of the iceberg. The real key to getting your fair share of poontang is being focused on it, and seeking it out. with determination Look at this scene from one of my all time favorite films about picking up women, Roger Dodger, starring Campbell Scott and a young Jesse Eisenberg. Roger explains to his teenage nephew how the first component to meeting women is to be in the air of sex, and to make it part of your being and perception of the world.
The truth is lately I’ve been too preoccupied with the day-to-day rigors of everyday life to be in an air of sex, but I’m getting ahead of myself. My unintentional abstinence really began in the springtime after a woman I had been seeing for a couple months, whom I was starting to develop feelings for and could see some long term potential, took a trip to Africa and decided not to contact me again. (Very Chappelle-esque move if you ask me) Yes, it was a kind of brutal and it hurt, but I thought I would do what Clint Eastwood would do, and walk that shit off.
Besides, I had to focus on moving, climbing my way out of abject poverty, and galvanizing my willpower and focus to utilize what youth I had left to chase my dreams of living as an artist. And hopefully not a homeless one at that. Getting laid was not on my mind too much because I was on the food/water/shelter/oxygen priority plan. So yeah, stress makes your penis soft.
Part of the reason I had done so well with the ladies previously is because getting with girls was pretty much the most important thing to me outside of music. I would watch Swingers fifty times in a row to learn the art of being a player and devour Neil Strauss’ book, The Game, which is a firsthand account of learning the inner workings of the pickup artist world. I never even used to watch porn because I always thought, “Why watch porn when I could just go and create the experience?” It was the same reason I always hated strip clubs. Why would you go for a simulated sexual experience would could get the real thing?
So I did. I went for the real thing. Ultimately, it’s probably done me more harm than good because I did substantial cheating on my girlfriend and next one after her from 2005-2009. This all happened on tour, never at home. The nitty gritty isn’t really important, but both times I was exposed by some mysterious internet hacker vigilante. I loved both girls very much and consider it to be the greatest collective mistakes of my life and my biggest character flaw. I’m sure it has something to do with ugly ducking syndrome and not getting girls in high school, or because of mommy issues, maybe low self esteem, or just needing validation, but sex was certainly my favorite drug. I regret it everyday and don’t know if I can ever repair the damage, but it still haunts me as a point of personal weakness.
I actually stopped counting my sexual partners at a certain point. There are tons of guys who are much better at picking up women than me or have slept with more women, but after a certain point it, became a number I wasn’t really proud of, so I didn’t see the point of keeping count anymore. It definitely feels more like a scarlet letter (number) than a badge of honor.
That brings me to now. How did I lose my mojo after being such a swinging cocksmen? I think the answer lies back in that bit about poverty from the beginning of this blog. Part of the reason I haven’t written a long piece for the website in a while is that I’m really on my own for the first time in my adult life. For most of my time in God Forbid, I lived with my grandmother until she passed away in 2011. I paid rent, but the security blanket was always there. Now, I’m doing things at 32, that most people do when their 22. I waffled on whether I should write about this struggle with confronting adulthood at such a late age, but ultimately I think the key to interesting writing is being truthful. Otherwise, this site would just be propaganda to prop up an image of a rock star. I’m not in that game. I’m in the fucking real. I took the blue pill.
I consider myself somewhat of an oddball. A nonconformist. A loner. A contrarian. I also have enough hubris to fancy myself somewhat of an armchair philosopher. So, I find myself awaking from a long childhood malaise, an evolutionary coma to not really understand how I fit into the common man-woman relationship paradigm. I find myself increasingly frustrated with the traditional hierarchy between men and women, and I don’t want to play ball.
In my modest research and experience (http://www.laddertheory.com/, The Mystery Method, The Science of Sex Appeal), I have found men are valued most for money (power & social status) and women are valued for their looks (sex) by potential suitors. This is no revelation, and is obvious to many. I’ve stated this to some of my female friends and more often than not, they will get very defensive, decrying about how independent they are, how they have made more money than some of their boyfriends, and that they aren’t gold diggers, etc. To that point, I say it’s important to implore that an exception to a rule is still an exception. I am making some stark generalizations here. Please check out some of my sources (links above) if you want details and nuance. There are many factors in attraction, but these are the most important.
It’s also important to emphasize that I don’t disparage either sex for these values because it’s built into your biology. You are not in control of said instincts. Men are motivated by sex and the shape of a woman’s body because of the incredibly powerful instinct to procreate and continue their bloodline. Women are drawn to wealth and security (strength) because for most of humankind, a woman was reliant upon a man for her and her offspring’s survival. Again, I’m not exactly breaking ground in terms of information, but it’s important to be stated because many people will repel these points out of ignorance or stubbornness.
With that said, we are evolving as human beings. More has changed about human life in the past 200 years than in the previous 10,000 years, and perhaps things have changed more rapidly in the past 15 years than in the previous 50. Our biology has not caught up to the evolution of modern lifestyle and our need to fit into the shoes of the 21st Century civilized human. Women don’t need men for survival anymore, and can make just as much money as a man, although there is not 100% equality yet. Most family’s are two income homes today where as 50-60 years ago, that would have been the exception to the rule. Men’s role in society is evolving as well. Men are becoming more objectified and sexualized when it comes to advertising, grooming, body sculpting, and becoming more body and image conscious in order to attract a mate.
I see these roles becoming progressively equalized, but there seems to be transactional relationship between men and women that is bothersome to me. For example, if a couple goes on a date, the general expectation that the man pays. As a bartender, when a couple comes in, the man probably pays for the drinks 70-80% of the time. I don’t have a direct problem with this. My biology isn’t immune to the fact that you feel manlier and proud of yourself when you are able to take care of your woman. I would like to do these things, but because of my station in life, it’s not feasible to do at an adequate level.
What does bother me though is when a woman uses her sexuality as a form of currency to be bartered with on the negotiation table. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Why should a man buy the cow, when he can get the milk for free?” The transactional language is built into the vernacular. Even the history of marriage originally began as a business arrangement to transfer wealth and land, and continued as a necessity because of women’s second class status, which is ever present throughout much of the world to this day, especially the third world and the middle east.
I have a direct problem when a woman thinks she is giving me something by hooking up or having sex. (The exception is a blow job though. She is definitely GIVING me a blow job. Thanks by the way. Very nice of you.) In truth a sexual encounter should be an equal exchange. I’m a good looking guy. I do my best to stay in shape and I know what I’m doing between the sheets. If you, as a woman, also enjoys sex, than both parties should benefit equally. If you are using sex to leverage free drinks, food, or even commitment from a man, than that is on you and how you view the world. I understand that sex and female sex is particular is considered a commodity in the world. Otherwise, prostitution and strip joints wouldn’t exist. Sex scandals wouldn’t topple political stars like Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, and Eliot Spitzer. But, I just refuse to allow good looking girls to lord vagina over me, especially when you have nothing else to offer in terms of intelligence, world view, humor, or kindness of heart. When last I checked, there were still 3.5 billion other vaginas on earth, and since there are 4 babies born ever second, I guess someone is tapping that ass.
We have to be honest with our willingness to evolve. Women can’t have it both ways, you can’t demand equal pay and than never pay into a partnership. Evolution will solve most of these problems as we advance past our chimp brains into logical Vulcans or asexual grey aliens. But, we’re stuck here in this pimply, hair lipped adolescent awkward phase of humanity.
If I want to get laid, I know I can. Just nod, smile, and don’t say anything stupid. I am just at the point where I can’t tolerate stupid. Even if it’s just for a few hours for a hookup. Hopefully, as I get my shit together, I can enter the real, adult dating world and perhaps look for a legitimate partner. But than I wonder is it better to meet someone when you have nothing who is there for the ascent, or someone who is waiting at the finish line for the winner? That’s a tough question I still haven’t figured out. I’m becoming too empathetic to use women, too depressed to bang chicks I barely like, and slightly unprepared for a worthy match. So I’ll stay in this holding pattern until the next phase. Abstaining from anything gives you a sense of strength even if it was only partially on purpose. I feel the next step will be ultimately more gratifying than what I’ve been avoiding, and I remain a steady optimist about virtually everything. And I’m cool with that.
